One day, I met a gentleman at the gym. Actually, we didn’t meet so much as had a casual encounter that lasted no more than 15 seconds. It was my cardio day so I was working it hard.
While I’m no world-class athlete, I am a woman doing my best to fight the ravages of midlife and its evil sidekick, menopause. Yesterday, I stared too long at a candy bar in the grocery store and I swear I gained two pounds. Yes, it’s that kind of battle. So when I’m working out at the gym, I’m all about the workout. I don’t go to the gym to socialize, prance about in two-sizes-too-small-and-too-freakin’-tight cutesy pants that put my camel toe on display or play the damsel in distress while standing next to the Smith Machine in the hopes that a Mr. Olympia wannabe rushes over to save me from myself as I ooze sexual prowess. I have no sexual prowess, but that’s another story.
When I work out, I put my game face on . . . along with my iPod Shuffle. The up-tempo tunes keep me moving in time to the steady rhythm and I sometimes get lost in the music. On that particular day, it was no different.
After my workout, I wiped down the elliptical machine and went to toss the crumpled paper towel away. As I walked towards the trash can, I noticed a couple hovering over it like they were waiting for something to pop out of it. As I approached, the man, who looked to be in his late 60s, turned and regarded me with twinkling eyes a little too long, like he knew me. He didn’t. He stared at me—one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi—then blinked rapidly and said, “You know, if you would just smile, it’d go a long way in keeping you looking wonderful by the time you reach your thirties.”
Taken aback, I didn’t know whether to kiss him for telling me in a roundabout way that I looked younger than my years or rip out his jugular with my bare hands and stuff it in his mouth for suggesting that I should smile.
Don’t tell me to smile.
I get it. He was trying to be cute and perhaps even flirty, a fact that his companion—a woman of about 65 or so—wasn’t too thrilled about as she gave me the stink eye while the right corner of her mouth curled into a sly snarl. She wasn’t any happier with what he said than I was, but, lucky gal that she was, she got to go home with that charmer who I have since dubbed the “Smile Dammit! Bandit”.
A smile. It seems like such an innocuously simple thing to do. Being told to smile by a woman is bad enough because, let’s face it, you might not be in the mood to curl your lips upward. When a man tells you to smile, the subtext is “You’re a woman. You should be smiling. I don’t care if you’re tired, hungry, angry, lost in thought or whatever—it doesn’t matter. You NEED to smile.”
Like hell I do. don’t tell me to smile
Again, don’t tell me to smile. I’m not an actress, I don’t play one on TV and I don’t smile on command. Yet, it seems, that’s what is wanted: the expression of an emotion that, when not truly felt, is merely pandering to the needs of someone else. Where does this sense of entitlement come from?
The neutrality of my non-smiling face? Well, it is what it is. It does not and should not automatically equate to ‘Resting Bitch Face’ (which, as it turns out, is a real thing – the science behind RBF). Why is it that I’m not – that women aren’t – allowed to simply exist without plastering a smile on our faces to please others? This predominantly female phenomenon reeks of social norms that are rarely heaped upon our male counterparts. However, we are routinely subjected to it.
Perhaps you, too, are a victim of a “Smile Dammit! Bandit”. In broad daylight on a busy city street, in a cramped elevator, at the mall, in Aisle 8 at the grocery store…they’re every damn where, and they let a multitude of infractions escape their parted lips.
“Yo girl, smile. It can’t be that bad!”
“Why the poker face?”
“What’s wrong?”
“Can I get a smile out of you?”
“Smile! Stop looking so mean.”
“You’s too purdy not to smile.”
Guys, I mean this in the sincerest way: my face is not for your consumption and neither is any other woman’s.
Life is not a whitening toothpaste commercial. We smile when we want to. If we women were to casually stroll down the street by ourselves, swinging our purses and grinning from ear to ear for no apparent reason, people would label us blithering idiots and sidle away from us with a mix of fear and suspicion etched on their faces.
So what was my retort to the trash can hogging “Smile Dammit! Bandit” who suggested that I smile? I looked him in the eyes and, with a straight face, calmly said, “You first.”
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Ladies, how does it make you feel when men tell you to smile? What are some of the things that have been said to you to induce you to smile on cue? Let’s discuss it in the comments.
Grr. Can not like this more. I have RBF and still haven’t figured out exactly what to say. The little phrase that comes to might is not very nice, nor very effective really to get the point across. Sort of gives people the impression I was in a bad mood before they were a jerk.
I may steal your comeback.
Ren, I really had to keep it together when that man suggested that I smile. I figured the best way to get a point across was to challenge him. He sort of smiled/frowned because he was, I think, a bit surprised with my comeback. Touche!
It’s not just men, either. I was having a very painful argument with a group of friends once and one of the more painfully memorable comments that was thrown at me in the course of things was “We miss Happy Bonnie. Let’s see those dimples again.” This was from a woman some years my senior and I found it to be infuriatingly patronizing. Or would that be matronizing? Whatever the case, I later had a little fun with it, but it was really aggravating at the time. Maybe even moreso because it DID come from a woman, who you would think would know better.
Women do sometimes do it, and it irks me, but when a total stranger says it (especially if it’s a man), it’s like I can’t have a day, a moment in time, when the need or desire to smile just isn’t in me. It can be something that’s going on in my head, I could have a toothache, or I could have just been fired from a job. You never know… I’ll go read your post!
Well, that is absolutely true. I actually don’t run into strangers telling me to smile much, but if I was having a bad day and it was showing on my face and somebody told me not to, it would have the exact opposite effect from what they wanted. Especially a guy.
Come to think of it, mostly I always have a book on the subway, and it’s partly just to avoid unwanted interactions like that.
It seems to me that women are expected to smile more than men. Perhaps it is because we can multi-task, handle stress better, and are generally the caregivers in the house that people expect so much from us. I think that women are entitled to feel and express their true feelings whenever they deem best. Somedays, I am not smiling! I usually give those around me a heads up that I am having a difficult day. It helps me to get the support that I NEED.
That’s a good way to handle it, Ellen . . . with people in your circle. I still have an issue with those outside my sphere of acquaintance who, out of the blue, tell me to smile. Nope. If I’m not in the mood, I don’t even want to paste a plastic, fake smile on my face.
Another grr. I’ll smile when I feel like it and if I don’t I won’t. Somedays there is not
a whole lot to smile about and feeling happy can be a private thing, a feeling you
don’t necessarily need to share. A sincere smile is worth millions of fake ones.
I love your last sentence, Beth. “A sincere smile is worth millions of fake ones.” So true!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Valerie! I can’t tell you how often people tell me I should smile, and how many of them are perfect strangers on the street. I would never think to ask a man who wasn’t my husband or child to “smile.” We’re supposed to think it makes us look positive, happy, confident, joyful, and at peace. But sometimes we are concentrating, working hard, day dreaming, reading, ruminating, and exercising and a smile is not what we need. If not in midlife then when can we be just who we are and use our smiles when we are amused or particularly pleased? And not at the beck-and-call of those around us. I will strive be kind and polite even when NOT smiling.
Exactly, Melissa! We can have moments where we don’t want to curl our lips upwards and create a smile. If I’m not feeling it… Some just don’t understand that.
When I was a waitress as a teenager, I was always told to smile by men and hated it. There’s something demeaning about a forced smile (which I never gave). To this day, I hate having to smile when it doesn’t come naturally. Great post.
Thanks for joining the conversation, Laurie. Yeah, I don’t do fake smiles well…