Here at Midlife-A-Go-Go, the focus is on the wonderful women of midlife. It celebrates our ups, our downs and every freakin’ thing in between. Spilled red wine on your white pants? No problem. Dealing with the loss of a loved one? Compassion abounds. Feeling a bit irritable? There’s a candy bar for that.

When we put the emphasis on women, we’re taking care of our needs, our well-being, ourselves. In doing so, we sometimes have to check the men in our lives. This certainly is not to man bash, but let’s be real: sometimes men are clueless. It seems as if they’ve all gotten ahold of the same playbook and follow the instructions with a fervor unmatched by anything else this side of a strip club.

As a public service to men, here are some of the things you probably shouldn’t even form your mouth to speak into existence to a midlife woman. And if she’s menopausal? Wow…you’re likely signing your own death warrant. Now bear in mind, not all women feel this way, but the woman in your life might. You’ve been warned. Govern yourselves accordingly.

What Not to Say to a Midlife Woman
(Especially if She’s Menopausal)

“Whaaaat?!? You can’t be that hot.” Be careful with this one, gentlemen. This could get you killed. Hot flashes? Yeah, the struggle is real.

“It doesn’t look that bad on you.” Oooooh, so close. You were doing okay until you uttered that nasty four-letter word, ‘that’.  You do realize that’s a sly caveat, don’t you? What you’re really saying subconsciously is “It kinda crappy, hon, but it’s not necessarily barfy hideous. Well, sort of, but not really.” Yeah, that’s bad.

“Well, what you should do is…” when all she wants is someone to listen. Guys, we’re women. We can likely talk our way into a solution. We come to you as a sounding board. We don’t need you to solve everything for us. Get it? Got it? Good.

“You look tired.” Really? Really?!?  

“Pffffttthhh! You wanna take up rock climbing? What’s happening to you?” Midlife is all about change…transition…reinvention. If you can have a hankerin’ for a red sports car, we can take up extreme sports if we want to. 

“How do you really feel, sugarplum?” This one’s a double-don’t. Don’t ask if you don’t really wanna know. Fair warning: the response could take an hour or more. That should be enough time to give you a brief primer on how a midlife menopausal woman really feels. And that condenscending ‘term of endearment’? Yeah, uh, no.

“It’s not hot in here. You must be having another one of your little hot flashes.” Guys, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: We actually know that we’re having a hot flash. Armed with this knowledge, we realize that you may not be suffering in the same manner that we are. How’s about you go hunker down and sit inside an Indian sweat lodge for a minute or two, then come back to me and let’s talk about what’s hot.

“Now honey, calm down.” Silly man. Don’t you know nothing riles a woman up more than when you tell her to calm down? Wrong. Just wrong.

“You’re 55? Really? Gee, you don’t look that old.” Stop. Just stop right this damn minute. You may think this sounds like a compliment, but it’s sort of a full-force backhanded slap upside the head while wearing a medieval gauntlet.

“You should wear stuff like that,” said while pointing to a) a commercial featuring a scantily clad model, b) a young, nubile, perky-breasted girl with bouncin’ and behavin’ hair walking down the street wearing a halter top and micro shorts, c) Beyoncé. I have no words.

Ladies, am I forgetting anything?