This is the second of a two-part article. Click “Midlife Without the Crisis” to read part 1,

Everyone has a sob story to tell.

I’ve had my fair share of pain, uncertainty, fear and stumbling blocks throughout the course of my life and during different stages and ages — 8, 17, 20, 23, 29, 34, 33, 36, 38, 41, 48, 49, 51, 53, 54 (and the hits keep on coming…). Despite the litany of curve balls that life hurled my way, at no point during the mishaps, misery and outright disasters did I consider myself to be in true crisis mode. Even now, I refuse to label myself as such.

True, at times the hurdles were difficult, but nothing was so dire that it felt insurmountable. There were tears, frustrations, anger, talking to myself, and feeling like I was in it alone, but there was always someone in my corner in one way or another. This is not to discount the difficult times that any other woman has experienced; I have my stories, you have yours. As for me . . .

I am not in crisis. I am living in midlife.

Life Happens

Day in and day out, we’re faced with images and anecdotes of middle age men working their way through a midlife crisis. We’re familiar with the cultural stereotype of men going a little bizonkers and buying red convertibles, leaving their 30-year marriages and hooking up with a hot 20-year olds, but what does it look like for a woman?

For many women at this point in their lives, they’re in the midst of juggling careers and family life, they begin to contemplate unfulfilled dreams, and they begin to question who they are and who they want to become.

This is the crisis. No, wait, let me say that again: This is the crisis?!?

Once we get it in our heads that a crisis is forthcoming, we’ll treat our lives as such. We’re just waiting for that perfect moment when something happens (could be small, could be large) and we give ourselves permission to go ape shit crazy and then — ta dah! — midlife crisis, at your service. After all, it’s what society expects of us, right?

I’m calling bullshit.

This time in our lives doesn’t have to be defined by crisis. We’ll have our ups and downs and things won’t always go as we expect, but we don’t have to define it as ‘crisis,’ — let’s just call it life, shall we?

Non-Crisis Mode

Every woman navigates her midlife journey differently. Some of you will crash head-on into crisis mode and begin to question any and everything — who you are, what you want out of life, your inner feelings and anything else that comes to mind. But not every woman in midlife goes through a period of dramatic upheaval. Some of you will take it in stride and glide through this time almost seamlessly.

I try to be an optimist, not a pessimist. Call me Pollyanna, but I like to think a positive outlook, how we approach the transformations that take place in our lives, and how we rise above the challenges can put us in the no-crisis zone. I understand that’s easier said than done, but it is possible to live your life without being steeped in crisis.

If you’re:

• reinventing yourself but you have no intentions on losing the woman that you are (because, really, reinvention doesn’t mean you have to totally change);
• done with feeling sorry for yourself and you’re doing things in life that bring you joy;
• contemplating your mortality, but you’re not dwelling on it and creating an environment of fear or self-misery;
• not freaking out about imaginary health problems, but you’re handling the real ones with grace (and here’s a bit of advice on that: stop turning to Dr. Google for every ailment that you have because you’ll inevitably talk yourself into believing that the headache you have isn’t a brain tumor; it’s likely just a headache);
• reminiscing on the past but you’re more concerned with living in the present and you’re even more excited about looking forward to your future.
• finding real value in the woman that you have become, and you’re not asking yourself “is this all that there is” because you know that you’re ever-evolving;
• letting go of the poisonous self-limiters that hold you back; you know, the things that you talk yourself into, all of those bad things;
• looking in the mirror and you love the person that you see looking back at you;
• walking in your self-confidence;
• accepting your flaws, your shortcomings and yourself while embracing everything that makes you you . . .

then you’re not living in crisis.

Can a Midlife Crisis be a Good Thing?

We think of a midlife crisis as a bad thing and, for many, it is. However, there’s a lot we can learn from a midlife crisis. Right now you’re probably wondering to yourself, “Valerie?!? What the hell is up with that about face?”

I know, I know. Everything I’ve said up to this point has been a big boo-hiss on a midlife crisis. But it is possible to have a positive midlife crisis experience. Being mindful about the psychological minefield that we could be up against helps to prepare us if and when it arrives.

When we think about what happens during a midlife crisis — what we encounter, the hurdles we face, and how we come out on the other side — those are teachable moments and lessons to be learned. We learn about our resilience. We learn about what really matters most to us. We learn that we are survivors. We have an opportunity to reassess our lives, our goals and the way we think. If positive insight and change is the outcome of a midlife crisis, that is indeed a good thing.

Here’s the thing: I’m not saying it’s impossible to journey through midlife without experiencing a crisis. What I am saying is we don’t have to latch onto the idea of a midlife crisis simply because recent history dictates we’re destined to experience it.

There are still some who may be going through a midlife crisis. If this is your reality, you probably have a helluva a lot on your plate to be concerned about:  your overall health, your well-being, elevated levels of stress, mental acuity and the realization that you are in fact getting older. But please don’t let this paint a dismal picture of midlife or of your life. You can get through it and you don’t have to be in crisis to do so. Stop telling yourself that. Stop believing that. Stop living that.

Do the things that you want. Do the things that make you happy. It’s time to be selfish, honey. You’re in midlife! You’ve looked after so many people in your life. If you have kids, you’ve done the whole mommy thing, your spouse or significant other – everything; it’s now time for you to take care of you. Think about self-care.

When you were in your 20s or 30s, your life ebbed and flowed. In that respect, you’re no different now. Those ebbs and flows of life aren’t exclusively tied to age. Take that fact and run with it. And know that when something is going wrong, it doesn’t have to be as cataclysmic as you might want to make it out to be.

You’re living in midlife, and you don’t have to be in crisis.