When I was first diagnosed with MS, after the tears were cried and dried, the first thought that came to mind was, “This is some bullshit!”

Seriously, I was furious. I’m all for change, but I wasn’t ready for my life to be flipped on it’s head. “Why me?” and “What the hell did I do to deserve this?” were common refrains that raged within. I began to think of all the times in life that I was a ‘bad girl.” The times that may have warranted this disease. Like that time I:

…stole $20 from my dad’s cash jar
…wore my sister’s gym outfit in junior high school without telling her
…called out sick for work and went on a road trip
…yelled at my husband, smashed a tuna fish sandwich with my bare hands and hurled it across the room (yeah, that was bad…and messy)
…accidentally ran over a squirrel
…got excessively drunk and hurled on a complete stranger
…broke the copy machine at work and blamed a co-worker
…or other, more egregious times where I acted out.

Once I got over the ‘woe is me’ phase, I settled into the uncomfortable reality that would be with me for the rest of my life: I’m living with a disease to which there is no cure. Yayyy me, right?

Where I’m At Right Now

The past few months have been an unpredictable MS journey. There’s always an underlying ugh factor lingering. There have been days where I’ve felt relatively normal – perhaps 85% of the old Valerie was back. Then there were the I-don’t-want-to-get-out-of-bed days, where I was running on about 40% Valerie.

This MS journey has a physical and emotional rollercoaster. I’ve been depressed. But I’ve also returned to laughing. I’ve cried. But I’ve dried the tears and tried to be optimistic. I’ve dealt with the pain in silence. But I’ve also spoken out loud about my pain. It’s the best and worst of both worlds.

When I’m on a high (the almost-good-as-new 85% Valerie), I feel like I can do anything. Workout. Jog. Walk without tripping over my own feet. When I’m on the low (that pesky 40% Valerie), life sucks hard. This past week, nausea and dizziness have been my constant companions. And the nighttime neuropathic pain has been insane (and it’s even begun to creep into the daytime – like right now, as it settles into my hands and arms and makes it difficult to type).

Living with these ups and downs has given me a peek into my future. I need to be real about this disease and the delightful path that it’s leading me down. That’s the reality.

Now for the hopeful. One day, I won’t feel this way. The pain that wracks my body will be gone. Science will discover a cure for MS. Life will be nice and rosy once again.

For now, I’m somewhere in the in-between. There’s so much uncertainty in my future. MS has taken away so much from me. The good thing, though, is that it has given me something very precious that I either couldn’t see or totally ignored in the past: Myself. MS has blessed me with the insight to be introspective and to dig deep into Valerie. To find out who I really am. To uncover what I want in and out of life. To understand how I want to treat not only myself but others as well. Because of MS, I’ve made life changes for the better.

So, Where is Multiple Sclerosis Taking Me?

I honestly don’t know. But I do know that, for now, my MS journey is for life, and like it or not, I have to go where MS takes me. That doesn’t mean I have to go along quietly, though. My health means more to me now than it ever has. I have no choice but to keep moving forward.

Wherever MS takes me, I know there’ll be bends and curves in the road, but I think I’m ready. I’m not letting this disease take me hostage without putting up a fight. I’ll be kicking and screaming for my life the whole time. MS journey