Congratulations (or perhaps condolences?)…you’re a stepparent. Chances are, you didn’t go into this season of life kicking and screaming; it’s more likely that you have willingly stepped up to the plate to be a parent to someone else’s child. Good for you. Sure, you had your share of trepidations in the beginning, but you hoped they would be minor inconveniences, trivial hiccups to be overshadowed by the love you have for your significant other. It was your fairytale, dammit, and you were gonna live it.

And then something happened.

Somewhere along the way, the little things morphed into the not so little things. Authorities were challenged, lines were crossed, eyes were rolled and now you wish you could go back in time and right your perceived wrong. You begin to question yourself, your motives, your loyalty.

“Is this what I really want?” “I didn’t think it would be this hard. How can I get past this and move forward?” “Will I get caught if I bury the body in the basement?”

What happens to your grand life plan when children are tossed into the mix? Someone else’s children?

Did you ‘step’ into ‘parenting’ with your eyes wide open, or was your head sufficiently buried deep in the sand?

Marriages and committed relationships are filled with moments of adoration, bliss and contentment. However, they aren’t without their struggles. When you remove the rose colored glasses, suddenly you can see clearly: you’re tired of trudging through the murky waters, you want to throw your hands up in defeat, turn your back on the vows you made with a sincere heart and simply walk away.

The path that each stepparent takes can vary from one person to the next. My circumstances are different from yours; your experiences will differ from those of someone else. While you navigate turbulent waters, your neighbor floats along on a sea of calm. Then again, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of that wobbly, dilapidated fence.

It’s normal to seek out a sturdy shoulder, an empathetic ear or a kindred spirit during times of unrest. Whether there are words of wisdom, a release of pent up emotions or tiny snippets to bring a smile to your heart, we might all be able to learn at least a little from the experiences of others.

On Being a Stepparent . . .

As a stepparent, I have often wondered about the lives of other stepparents. Do they have the same rewards or challenges as I do? Are there days they want to give up the fight or are they committed to the idea for life? How do they really feel?

My mother always told me that if I wanted to know the answer to something, all I had to do was ask. And so I did.

In a blind survey, the question, “What are your thoughts on your role as a stepparent?” prompted an array of responses from more than a few stepparents—men and women alike—who took the query to heart and answered openly and honestly. (Respondents to the survey have been stepparenting for as short as 1 1/2 years to over 25 years) We may think we know what goes on in the mind of a stepparent, however, it may not always be what we might expect.

(View the slideshow at your own pace by clicking the arrows on the left or right to move forward or backward)

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The Stumbling Blocks of Being a Stepparent . . .

As with biological parenting, stepparenting has its ups and downs, its highs and lows, its ebbs and flows. It’s encouraging to experience those breakthrough moments that make stepparenting worthwhile—you know, the child says “I love you,” or wants you to help him with his homework, or she asks to borrow your sweater because she loves your sense of style—but what about the times when you’re fed up and walking away seemed like the only option left? When the rewards of being a stepparent were few and far between, but the challenges were a’plenty? When you begin to resent your significant other and the kids?

Real stepparents answered the question, “In your experience, what is the most difficult aspect of being a stepparent?”

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Being a stepparent is not a role to be taken lightly. It requires a loving and open heart, the patience of Job, a great deal of restraint and, sometimes, the miraculous ability to turn a blind eye to what’s going on right in front of you. Is it easy? Heavens no. Is it worth the struggle, aggravation and sadness? Well, I can only answer for myself with a resounding “Yes.”

While I have encountered a few hiccups being a stepparent, the good far outweighs the not so good. I have a wonderful stepson who I feel blessed to have in my life, and his bio mom—now here’s the wonderful part—is a woman who I count as a true friend in my life. We (the four parents involved) have a unique and tremendous family dynamic, one which often leaves others speechless or mystified, but it works extremely well for us. My stepson has four great parents, each of whom love him and always want what’s best for him. For us, the adults, we do it because we want him to know what it means to grow up with parents who who are supportive, encouraging and loving.

As for me, for better or worse, I wholelheartedly embrace the moments of pleasure as well as those that may leave a sour taste in my mouth. I do it because it is the role I took on…willingly. I do it because I am a stepparent.

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This certainly is not the definitive primer on being a stepparent. And while the success or failure of one person’s role as a stepparent is not a true barometer of someone else’s success or failure, perhaps the biologial parents will take this as insight into the thoughts that may be swirling around in the head of the stepparent in their life.

To the stepparents everywhere, I salute you. Bravo for stepping up to parent.